Reserved: slow to reveal emotion or opinions.
“he is a reserved, almost taciturn man”
synonyms: reticent, quiet, private, uncommunicative, unforthcoming, undemonstrative, unsociable, formal, constrained, cool, aloof, detached, distant, remote, unapproachable, unfriendly, withdrawn, secretive, silent, taciturn.
I have always been extremely quiet when it came to telling others my thoughts and feelings. That was the whole point of starting a blog. I wasn’t out to get followers, stats, awards..I just needed a place to let go with my inner emotions. Little did I know when I started this that it would also serve as a timeline for the various stages and treatments in M’s Journey. There have been a few times when I have had to go back and check to see when something happened because one day has become blurred with the day before, the week before, even the second before.
After Saturday when M became angrier than usual with me and told me to leave, I have become more and more reserved around him and the nurses. No more chatting with them, or being overly friendly, joking with them, mainly because M thinks we are laughing and talking about him. I make myself scarce when he requests something, or turns his light on because he expects me to do it for him and not the nurse or aide. They know the proper way to get him up without a fall or injuring their back, I don’t.
It was extremely depressing to have him still angry with me yesterday. He didn’t know why he was mad, but he was mad at me. He thinks that I ran out on him when he needed me, rather than him telling me to leave. He thinks I haven’t spent enough time by his bedside, that I am out living it up, or as he said “You have it all now”.
That is when I must try to remain reserved, quiet, aloof, detached. And, it isn’t easy! I leave in tears each time I go home. That’s when I hug the dog and sob. I have felt hurt before, and I’ve lost loved ones before, but never ever have felt this complete feeling of total defeat, helplessness and utter loss. And I know those feelings are going to intensify as he continues to decline.
But I am still praying for a miracle!