It is crazy, this feeling of wondering myself “Where have I been?”
The earth did not stop and I did not fly off ; although there are lots of times I have wished I had.
I haven’t been sick or under the weather, unless you consider feeling blah and having no energy sick. Then, I must admit that I have had MANY moments. hours, days like that.
I didn’t get run over by a bus, although I came close…I was not paying any attention and stepped off the curb against the light and a mini bus was speeding toward me. Luckily, my guardian angel woke me up and I jumped back on the curb. I am sure that the driver of the bus gave me a royal cursing, of which I deserved. I was walking and thinking about my life situation and half crying and just not paying attention.
So, where have I been and what have I been doing?
Hiding. Hiding from the world, my feelings and anything that I can hide from.
Except for going to work every day, (and being late a couple of days due to the fact that I could not sleep and when I finally fell asleep, I didn’t want to wake up) I basically curled up under a blanket and I have been hiding from life. I just can’t seem to deal with everything that is crashing down around me at once, and I came to a complete stand still. I have retreated into myself and rarely speak to anyone. I avoid people, places and things. Even though I go to work, I don’t talk to anyone unless I have to. I just want to be left alone. Not to wallow in my self-pity, but to try to figure out what is happening to me. Life is in slow motion, but speeding by at the same time, leaving me dizzy and bewildered.
My home has become my safe-haven, my fortress against the world. A place I can come to, take off the fake smile that has been plastered to my face a lot of the day, put on my jammies and breathe. Hidden. Free to cry if I feel like crying, or sleep if I feel like sleeping. I don’t have to “fake it”. Just be.
I’m surprised, but not surprised, that most people just don’t “get” the emotional roller coaster ride that is involved when you lose a loved one. I’m sure the feelings of loss are different for the relationship, but very much the same. I don’t know. My cousin (who was like my big sister my entire life) died a year ago, almost to the day that Mike died. Her death left me feeling lost and very sad, but we were 300 miles apart, so daily life went on as usual for me, except when I allowed myself to think of her. There were times when I thought I needed to call her, then realized I could not. Then, in October 2013, my best friend died of breast cancer. Again, I mourn and grieve her loss daily, but not to the same degree as this.
I started going through Mike’s dresser and clothes. As I was putting “keep” and “get rid of” in piles, Abby came in to investigate what I was doing. She smelled his clothes and left the room. Then came back in, smelled the clothes again and started the most pathetic and soul wrenching crying I have EVER heard an animal make. It was not like the whine she makes when she has to go potty, or wants something, but a mournful cry that went on for quite some time. She then raced to the door and wanted out. She checked all of Mike’s usual spots. His truck, his wheel chair, his ammunition loading desk, everywhere she could look, she searched. She came back to me and jumped up on my lap and laid her little head on my arm and if a dog could sob, she did. And so did I. Poor little thing. She doesn’t understand why Dad hasn’t come back. That was the extent of going through his clothes. I quickly picked up the “keep” pile and put them in the clothes basket to wash. (Yes, Mike, I found the T-Shirt you had been hunting for.) And, the “get rid of” pile went into a trash bag to be burned. Haven’t touched things since.
I went to South Haven, Michigan and Benton Harbor, Michigan last Saturday with K, and two granddaughters. It was good to get out and away from my world for just a few hours. We were not gone more than 8 hours, but I finally got to see Lake Michigan and the enormity of it. Where I live, what have been named lakes is really nothing more than a big pond. You can see the other side and it’s not all that impressive. I must admit, I felt like a country bumpkin standing in complete awe of everything. (Note to self–do not EVER go to a beach area on the 4th of July weekend–when you don’t like crowds!) We had to park a good way away from the water and walk and by the time we got to the beach area where the lighthouses are, my hips (bursitis) were killing me. All I wanted to do was sit down and rest, but there was no way I was sitting in the sand! I instead found a nice little perch next to a lighthouse and rested. It was interesting to see the lighthouses, and I wish I could have gone into them, but they are not open to the public, if at all. But they are so majestic and beautiful. A picnic lunch on the way home was the end of a good day. I was rather glad that she talked me into going, and she really had to work at it to get me to leave home. Baby steps, people. Baby steps!
If anyone read my post about my concern with the decisions and choices K is making in her life, well…I was able to talk to her. She listened. She did not appear to get angry, and she understands what my opinion is. After all, she is a grown woman. I cannot live her life for her. But, as I tried to tell her..NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING would have ever kept me from my children and I cannot understand or endorse her choice to put something ahead of them. She was quick to tell me that when they were growing up Mike worked. True. He did. But in all truth, he was in a stage of his life where he was not quite so reliable. I worked so that we had food and the necessities and I stayed in jobs that I hated, but that gave me the flexibility I needed to be a mother to my girls. Little by little, my job choices allowed me to advance to a better job, and even though I do not like it at times, it still gives me the flexibility to be able to do what needs to be done at home when it is an emergency, such as Mike’s last illness. Who knows what she will do, but as her mother, I will do my best to support her in her decisions. I will never turn my back on any of my girls, and that includes my granddaughters. They are my life.
Now, I think I shall take close out this
post book, by telling all of my readers that you have grown into friends. I thank each one of you personally for inquiring about me and wondering where I have been for quite some time. Let’s just say, I’m trying to get it together. Hugs to all!
Photo Credits: Google Images