Nervous and needy. Today I am both. Very nervous because I was awakened extremely early by cries of help from M. One look at him and I could tell that he was having a severe sugar low! He was basically unresponsive and his eyes were rolling around in his head, when they were open. He was slumped back in his recliner and all he could say was a very weak “help me”. I immediately checked his glucose level and it was 37. I gave him orange juice and some Nutella peanut butter. That is softer than regular peanut butter, has a chocolate flavor, high in sugar and carbs, and with his mouth being so sore he can barely swallow, I thought that perhaps that would be best. I waited the normal time and checked him again to find that it had raised to 47. Moving in the right direction…then he wasn’t acting right again and I checked him again, glucose had dropped to 40. I was so nervous that I was beginning to hyperventilate! More juice. He didn’t want to drink it because of the sores in his mouth, but he did get some down. So, I decided to take a teaspoon of sugar, make a paste out of it with water and place the paste under his tongue. He started coming around about 15 minutes later and another check revealed it had risen considerably. He had no strength with which to move his body in his recliner, no strength to sit up straighter in the recliner rather than being slumped over, and was so lethargic he was scaring me.
I called the insurance case manager and told her the situation and begged her for help! I didn’t know where to turn. I became very needy. I needed help and I needed it yesterday! I feel as though nobody in the medical field was paying a darn bit of attention to me! I’m fighting for my husband and they are treating me like I’m the enemy…like munchausen’s syndrome.
Our regular family doctor is FINALLY back to work and is taking back M’s case and told me to call the ambulance and get him transported to the hospital (our local, home hospital), which I did. We have been in the ER now for 5 & 1/2 hours and I just learned that they are sending him to a room shortly.
I am about ready to lose my sanity, making me even more needy and very nervous.
It seems the highlight of my day was when the elastic broke on my knee hi stocking and I had to stay up! Oh, but for the more simple things of life…

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Posted in A to Z April Challenge, Anxiety, Blogging, Caregiver, Life, Uncategorized



Meek – quiet, gentle, easily imposed on, submissive.

Oh, wow!  When the word ‘meek’ came to mind as my M emotion, I did not realize how right on the money it was as far as describing myself!  It rather shocked me.  I never really thought of myself as meek.  I know I am shy.  But Meek?!  According to the dictionary…yup!  I’m meek,

When I think of a meek female I see a really backward person, standing pigeon towed, fingers in mouth, cowering from everything.  And, as I write this, I see how that person was me many years ago before I learned how to put on the brave attitude and strong facade that people see now.  I had to.  I could not have survived had I not replaced the meek person with the brave one most people see when they first meet me.  After you get to know me, you will see that I have every single characteristic of the meek person.

I AM extremely quiet.  I am gentle, easily imposed on and VERY submissive, especially if I feel that there will be a conflict.  Well, until I get tired of being walked all over and then I blow my top, feel guilty, apologize and return to being submissive.  I allow others to take advantage of me all the time simply because I don’t want to upset them.



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Quickie Update

This is just going to be a quickie update for those of you who have been following the insane health issues, etc. of my husband, M.

Much to my total shock and surprise, and after hours of nothing happening, no word of any changes, etc., the doctors and consultants, physical therapy and respiratory therapy departments all decided that it would benefit M most if they allowed him to be discharged to come home.  We had fully expected to be discharged to a rehab facility until he could regain some strength after being in a hospital bed for roughly four weeks with little to no movement.

So, now we are at home.  He is tucked in and sleeping soundly and I believe that things are under control for now.  Please keep us both in your prayers as the next few days will be very busy and probably very overwhelming.  I don’t believe he is out of the woods, but he is getting closer.

Thanks to all!!  God Bless You!!


Posted in Caregiver, Life, Uncategorized



While searching and thinking about an emotion that begins with “L”, I ran across several that I considered to be worthy of a thought or two…
Loving, lackluster, lucky, loopy, leery, lazy. All very good topics, but My Weary Mind kept returning to lonely.
I think most people think of being lonely when there is no other people in their immediate vicinity, or if they have not had contact with another human being for several days, they become lonely, I know several people who become frantic when they are left alone for even a few minutes. They just want you to be in the same room as they are, not necessarily to talk to, just to be there. While I do not understand completely why they fear being left alone, I try to empathize with them and be as supportive as I can.
I am so thankful that, at least at this stage of my life, I am quite content with my own company. I can and do amuse myself. I enjoy reading, playing computer games, blogging, etc. and I can usually always find some way to entertain myself, even if it is daydreaming.
However, I do find myself lonely in a different sort of way. It feels almost as I am loneliest when I am around other people or in a large crowd. THAT is my loneliness. Perhaps it is not loneliness I am feeling, but another emotion that I have yet to be able to name.

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What Would a ‘Normal’ Day Feel Like?

I wonder if I will ever remember what it was like to wake up leisurely, stretch, yawn, and curl up back in the covers just for a few minutes.  Instead, I wake up with my heart in my throat, and it is beating so hard that I can barely stand it.  Anxiety.  I haven’t even gotten out of bed and already the anxiety is hitting me full blast.

Trembling I make my way to the place my cell phone recharges and check it to see if by chance M has sent me a text, even a short one.  Nothing.  When he first got sick he would send little text messages for me when I would get up that would be waiting for me.  It would let me know that he was awake and doing alright.  I haven’t gotten many of them lately.  Occasionally I get a phone call from him, frantically begging me to come and get him and help him get out of that place.  I can only try to calm him, unsuccessfully, and then cry after we hang up.  Feeling so inadequate and unable to “make things better”.

Today as I was hauling myself out of bed after another night of restless sleep (boy isn’t THAT a oxymoron?  When there is restless sleep that usually means NO sleep.)  I was wondering what it would be like to not have to get up, rush to get showered, dressed and ready to head to the hospital on the weekends, or to work during the week.  I don’t remember what it was like to get up, grab a cup of coffee and sip it slowly while watching the morning news and weather, perhaps leaning back in the recliner and taking a little nap.  Just a nice relaxing morning.

It seems like ages since I was able to have such a morning, with M sitting next to me and enjoying the same kind of morning.  I pray that we will once again have those kind of days together, but at this point I am not getting my hopes up too high.

He has not had much improvement.  In fact, I believe he has had suffered more setbacks than he should have (see previous posts) and he has endured far more than any single person can possibly stand.  I look at him sleeping, his hands are busy working doing something in the air above him, he is usually grimacing as if angry or in pain, and I can’t help but wonder how much more the man’s body can endure.  His spirit is already broken.  He has given up and will no longer fight the doctor, social workers of medical staff.  He does not want to go to a rehab facility, but he has resigned himself that he will go there and he will probably spend the rest of his life there.  He tells me that he knows he won’t get out of it.  No amount of explaining to him what the rehab facility is for helps him understand.  He just believes that he will be “put away” for the rest of his life.  I can only pray that this will not be the final outcome and that he will be able to return home and live the life that he can live.

Monday I will be returning to the hospital early in the morning because he is supposed to be getting ready for discharge.  I want to be there to be part of the decision process and not find out things by way of someone else explaining things to me.  That is rather like playing the game where you sit in a circle and one person starts a story and whispers it in the next person’s ear, and then the next person goes on to the next person, etc., until the story gets back to the person who started the story and everyone is amazed at how wrong the end result was.  The Dr. will explain things to me, and then later the nurse (especially after shift change) will tell me something entirely different.

Thanks for hanging with me blogging community.  You have each one helped me maintain my sanity, either by allowing me to vent my feelings and frustrations, or giving me enjoyable posts you have written to entertain me.

Thank you all!


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Posted in Blogging, Caregiver, family, Life, Uncategorized

EMOTIONS – “K” is for KIND


KIND:  I found this definition on Dictionary.com:  

1.  of a good or benevolent nature or dispositionas a person: a kind and loving person.

2. having, showing, or proceeding from benevolence: kind words.

3. indulgent, considerate, or helpful; humane (often followed by to  ): to be kind to animals.
4. mild; gentle; clement: kind weather.
5. British Dialect loving; affectionate.
I would like to think of myself as being all of the above.  I try to be at least.  I’m the first one to admit that I have failed miserably at being kind on more than one occasion, especially in the last day or two.  I even believe that I have a “reputation” at this hospital.  Oh, well.  I don’t much care what the people in this hospital think of me at this point.  I’m not fighting for myself, I’m fighting for my husband who is too sick and too weak to fight for himself at the moment, and I believe that some, not all, of the problem lies within the failure of this hospital staff to communicate with each other and other hospitals.  Frankly, it seems like it is a bit of a pissing match between doctors and hospitals and we are stuck in the middle.
I’m trying hard to be kind to the staff because I know that this situation is not their individual doing, but a conglomeration of bad decisions by their superiors.  But, as I said, my reputation now has kept the staff from entering the room very often for fear of getting blasted with less than kind words.
I truly hope that any of my friends, family and blogging friends who have taken the time to get to know me through my writing and rants and raves will know that I do try to be a kind person with a huge heart, and a weird funny-bone, a/k/a sense of humor.
Photo Credit:  Jenny Frean - artpress.com

Photo Credit: Jenny Frean – artpress.com



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Yes…JERKED AROUND!  A very real emotion.  It has to be because that is what I am feeling right now.  Totally 150% jerked around by the hospital staff that have been taking care of M.

I have asked questions.  I have expressed concern to the nurses, to the doctors, etc.  I have told them that he is confused, that he doesn’t understand the medical words and procedures that they are throwing at him.  I have told them that he does not KNOW the names of the medicines he takes.  He has a list.  I asked them if they want to see the list?  Do they want to see the medicines in the medicine bottles that he takes?  I was emphatically told no…they had all the information.  I have begged for a consultation between myself and the doctors who are treating him, where I can sit down with them and find out what their plans are, what the diagnoses are, what the plan of action is, etc.  Did it ever happen?  No.  Lung doctor does his thing, heart doctor does his thing, kidney doctor does his thing, podiatrist does his thing, vein and artery doctor does his thing.  Do they communicate?  It doesn’t seem so.

M is also diabetic.  He has been maintaining good levels using his pump and an extremely strong insulin (U-500).  His endocrinologist is in another town and is not on staff at the hospital he is in now.  Have they called her to get her opinion on how to treat his now uncontrolled diabetes, even though I have asked them to repeatedly?!  Nope.  Do they have an endocrinologist on staff at the hospital he is at?  Nope.  They have a diabetes educator.  LA-TE-DAH!!  How freakin’ impressive.

How did this all come to my attention all of a sudden?  While sitting with him today, the doctor himself asked me if I had M’s insulin pen.  His what?!  No, I don’t because he does not have one.  Never has had one.  The only time I have seen an insulin pen is when one was used on him in their hospital.  WTF???  Then, the dr and I finally sat down and discussed the medications that M took when he was home, most of which were not being given to him in the hospital.  WHY?!?!

Nobody has been able to give me a plausible answer.  So, yes..I feel totally jerked around!

I understand confusion.  I understand that mistakes can be made during transfers from one hospital to another, but why would they not listen to me?  Even when I told them that M did not understand the procedure they were doing on him to check the blood flow in his legs, nor what it entailed.  They would ask him a few questions, he would answer appropriately and they would look at me as if I was the one confused.  He thought the procedure would take 15 minutes, not four hours, nor did he realize that he would be in leg braces and have to lie flat for 5 hours afterwards.  It wasn’t until today, when he told the nurse who was changing his compression bandages on his legs that there was something in the toilet.  There was nothing in the toilet.  But he was angry and insisting that there was.  Since that happened, they now can see more signs of the confusion.  They tell me it is from sleep deprivation since he has not slept for several days, actually ever since he was admitted on the 24th.  They also informed me that he would probably have been discharged two or three days ago if it weren’t for this “problem”.  I’m thinking that perhaps this “problem” should become their “problem” when they charge the insurance company for their services and perhaps this should all be reviewed by several professionals.

I am experiencing the “G” word — Guilt.  If I did not have to work then I could be by his side 24/7 and perhaps been able to get things straightened out sooner.  Then, I tell myself that I have to work in order to support us, and my boss is being great about giving me the time off I need.

I just wish I knew what I’m supposed to do, and the people would stop JERKING ME AROUND!


Photo credit:  straightline.com


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Posted in A to Z April Challenge, Anxiety, Blogging, Caregiver

EMOTIONS–”I” is for Invisible


Is invisible an emotion?  Merriam-Webster describes the word as “impossible to see : not visible.”

I have often wanted to say “HEY!!  I’m here!!  I matter”, but I’ve never been courageous enough to do it.  I’ve been at family gatherings where I know that three-fourths of the people there did not even know I existed, let alone that I was even there.  It is quite painful emotionally to be at a social function, supposedly with family and friends and you are treated as if you are not even there.

Often I feel invisible to M.  He can make me feel as if I don’t exist when he is surrounded by his guy friends, and then as soon as the guy friends leave, I seem to reappear out of nowhere.  He can SEE me again, and yeah, I’m usually not in the best of moods.  I feel like if I’m not good enough to be “seen” when friends are around, then I will remain invisible after they leave.


Photo Credit:  google search– I don’t know who to give credit too, but love this pic.



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Posted in A to Z April Challenge, Anxiety, Caregiver, Life

EMOTIONS—-”H” is for Happy

Happy? I know, right? Not many of my posts lately could even begin to reflect that I know there is such a word, let alone that I actually know the meaning of it! Rest assured, folks, I do vaguely recall happy emotions. They have been rather out of my grasp for a long time, but I am hopeful that soon they will be my normal and the worry, concern and upheaval of the past few weeks will be gone.
What are some things that can make me happy? Usually the simple things in life..the sun shining on my face can make me happy and just feel good period. This past winter has taken its toll on everyone here in the Midwestern states. But…here it is April and warming up finally!! Today the sun is playing peek-a-boo with us.
A child’s laughter is another source of happiness. You know, that absolutely contagious belly laugh of a small child and the innocence of their laugh.
As I write this post, M is having a medical procedure done. His situation hasn’t improved very much, if at all. I am terrified to think what the future holds for him, for myself and for us, but I am also happy to know that I have a God who loves me and is looking out for me and M and even though the medical outcome may not be what we want it to be, it will be His plan.

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I grew up the oldest of five children. While I know my parents did their very best to raise us right, one thing that always has caused me problems in my life, has been guilt.  Inadvertently they instilled in me that when the younger siblings messed up, then it was somehow my fault.  “you are the oldest and you know better”.  I never understood how my knowing better was to prevent them from doing whatever it was they did for me to get reprimanded.  I wasn’t even the babysitter during these times, just there.

That later carried over to other aspects of my life as I grew older.  I often thought that I had done something wrong when something awful happened in the world news.  Logic told me that I had nothing to do with it, but my heart hurt so badly that I just felt somehow it was my fault and I felt guilt over it.

I find myself assuming other people’s guilt and apologizing for them for their misdeeds.  So, if you want someone to lighten your load, just send your guilty feelings my way and I will take it as my own.  Kidding…Please don’t.  I can’t bear to handle any more.

How is it that some people can go through life and not feel guilt for some of their actions?  A husband can cheat on his wife and feel no guilt for his actions, or vice versa.  Someone can really yell at another person for something and later learn that the person they yelled at was not the person at fault.  Do they apologize?  Not usually.  They just don’t feel guilt for hurting another person.

When I have caused pain and hurt to anyone, intended or not, I feel horrible. I hurt much worse than they do and I want to do anything I can to relieve their pain.

What say, we all just try to acknowledge and accept the hurt we cause others and own our own guilty feelings?  Personally, I think I shall try to cast off any guilt that is not mine and stop wearing the guilt of others.




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