Well, GOOD MORNING!! I’m so glad you could stop by for a cup of coffee, or whatever your beverage of choice may be. I must admit I am probably a little ahead of you on the amount of coffee I have had this morning as my furry family woke me at 6 a.m, just as if the alarm had gone off on a weekday, and they weren’t going to allow me to snuggle back under the covers. Even pulling them over my head didn’t help! So, as it is now 10 a.m, I’m guessing I’ve had four or five cups, and going for number six! In my defense, the cups are small. :-)
How was your week? I hope you are well and happy.
My week? How kind of you to ask. It has had its usual ups and downs. I am unfortunately having more downs than ups still, and I’m desperately trying to drag myself out of them and move forward with my life (such as it is), but it is so hard to move forward when the person you have lived with 43 years is no longer with you, but everything in your house and around you is a constant reminder of your loss, the emptiness, loneliness, sadness…but there are so many good memories too. I still talk about him as if he were coming home any minute and catch myself. It has only been a little over five months since Mike went home to live with Jesus, but in my world it was only a few moments ago.
I have had several melt-downs this week, both at home and at work. My boss has been in an especially bad mood and his release is to yell, curse, ask me rhetorical questions in anger and making me feel that he is angry with me. I can’t handle that right now. I feel as if everything is my fault anyway, so his rants feel as though they are directed straight at me and that is most upsetting, which causes my epigastric issues to flare up and I come home sick and lethargic. I have talked to him about it, and his response was “You have worked with me for 21 years. You know I am not angry with you. I’m frustrated that I can’t get any work done because of the interruptions and demands, and I have to vent.” To which I asked if he could please try venting when I am NOT within hearing distance because I’m going to lose it. It didn’t work. You see, if someone (anyone) is angry and voicing their anger in my direction, then I can’t help but take the issue to heart and feel responsible for their anger. I can’t help it. It is who I am and the way I have always been. Heart on my sleeve and all that. The job itself is stressful enough (legal assistant specializing in probate/estate law), so every new estate I have to open is as if I am sucked back into the things I am dealing with on a personal level. It is hard. Thursday I just wanted to tell everyone I have had enough. I’m done. I don’t want to do this anymore and quit. I can’t do that! It is my only source of income! (Big sigh)
Another cup of coffee? Don’t mind if I do, although I can feel that the amount I have consumed is starting to bother my stomach. Why do I do this to myself? I guess because the warmth of the coffee feels good on this blustery, cold autumn day. There are frost warnings out for tonight. It is a little early in our fall season for that, but with the way the weather has been messed up the last several years, I suppose nothing is out of the ‘normal’ any more. Predictions of another polar vortex arriving late autumn and winter weather worse than last year have been made and last year was a bad winter with LOTS of snow. Since I live a few miles out in the country amongst the open fields, and now alone, I am fearful to go out in sub-zero weather to use the snowblower to plow myself a path to get to the road. I’m not as young as I used to be, ya know. The last few years when I have had to use the snowblower, Mike sat in his wheelchair inside the garage all bundled up and watched me, just in case there was an issue. There was one a few years ago when the machine iced up on me and I overheated trying to get it unstuck and restarted, fell down and could not get myself up. It was rather frightening. Mike could not get to me, but he was at least able to talk to me, calm me down and once I regained my bearings, I was able to walk back to the house, extremely hot from the layers of clothing and hyperventilating. My neighbors have promised me that they would use their farm tractors to keep my driveway cleared, but…I have seen first hand that most of the people who say they will help–don’t. So, I have to depend on no one and be grateful to anyone who is kind enough to remember the widow lady down the road.
One of my sister-in-laws has insinuated that I am wallowing in my grief. Am I? I’m trying hard not to. I made a Facebook post last week that I was at the cemetery on my lunch hour, because it is quiet there and I needed to visit his grave and simply said how much I miss him. Her response was abrupt and told me “we all do”. Really? She is the same sister-in-law who told me a few weeks ago that his death just doesn’t seem “real” to her because she really wasn’t around Mike that much. She never came out to visit him when he was sick. I can count on one hand the number of times she, or any other member of his family except for his parents when we were younger, came to our home. If contact was made between the siblings, it was Mike who initiated it. He always said he was the black sheep of the family and had been ignored by them his entire life. He would get extremely upset when recalling the feeling of not fitting in with his own family. About the only time we saw them was at the special holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, his parents birthdays. After his father died his sisters decided that they needed to have more contact with us, and we went out to supper with them one night a week. That lasted about a year, and usually they were preaching to him on what he should and should not be doing. They had absolutely no clue how ill he was, he would not tell them and told me not to tell them. “It’s none of their damned business” he would say. When I was told that he only had a few days left to live, THEN they decided it was time to be by his side all the time.
I’m really sorry to be such a Debbie-Downer this morning. It is a rough morning, as you can tell…I’m missing his laugh, his jokes, his constant teasing and pestering me just to see me get irritated…him asking me if he was making me mad and when I’d answer no (because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was) he’d tell me he was going to have to try harder then!
I guess it is time to stop with the coffee and get myself moving and doing something today. Or maybe a midday nap is in order. My plan right now is to try to upgrade my computer to Windows 8.1, but I’m so afraid I will lose precious photographs and videos. Yes, I backed them up, but there is always that one thing that gets lost. Wish me luck!
Thanks for the coffee, and thanks so much for letting me vent and such with you. You see, I have nobody I can really talk to. I have no friends, male or female, that I could have a conversation like this with other than my daughters and oldest granddaughter. I try to remain strong appearing to them. I just blew my cover with the oldest granddaughter who is following this blog! LOL. Good thing we have a pact–what’s said and read on the blogs, stays on the blogs, as we do not want our family members to know about them!
We’ll chat again real soon! Hugs!