I’m lost without you

Deb:

I have never re blogged anything, but this work touched my soul in ways I cannot explain. You see, M is nearing the end of his journey. The dr has stopped all medications, and all fluids. We are just keeping him comfortable. Thank you for writing this! I love it and will always keep it close to me.

Originally posted on kelzbelzphotography:

I feel so lost without you,
My world feels empty,
We all miss you,
No morning texts,
No sneaky kisses,
No hug when I’m sad,
No smiles when I’m happy,
Gone is the encouragement,
No more sharing our worlds,
No more sending goodnight texts,
No more making you a coffee,
No seeing the sparkle in your blue eyes,
Someone else will cut your hair,
Someone else will replace me,
But no one can replace you,
My heart belongs to you,
My body,
My soul

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Posted in Uncategorized

EMOTIONS–”S”– SCARED

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It’s late. I’m exhausted. I’m scared. How do I do this? Watch M die? Making the call, on the advice of doctors to turn off all fluids. To allow him to die in comfort. Scared that I made the wrong decision! I’m not God!! Who the hell do I think I am?! I went by the dr., by our numerous discussions about life and death matters and knowing that he did not want to live the rest of his life on machines of any kind.
Oh, God! Please!! I’m so scared!! Please allow your hand of peace on M and take him home to be with you…soon.
Because I am so scared!! It hurts me so badly to watch him go through this torture. He went from being peaceful to being so combative and abusive toward family, the nurses and myself.
Please, Dear God!! Take him home to be with you. The fear I have of life without him is minute to the fear I have of watching him suffer so.
In Jesus’ name…

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Posted in A to Z April Challenge, Anxiety, Blogging, Caregiver, Uncategorized

EMOTIONS—”R”—RESERVED

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Reserved: slow to reveal emotion or opinions.
“he is a reserved, almost taciturn man”
synonyms: reticent, quiet, private, uncommunicative, unforthcoming, undemonstrative, unsociable, formal, constrained, cool, aloof, detached, distant, remote, unapproachable, unfriendly, withdrawn, secretive, silent, taciturn.

I have always been extremely quiet when it came to telling others my thoughts and feelings. That was the whole point of starting a blog. I wasn’t out to get followers, stats, awards..I just needed a place to let go with my inner emotions. Little did I know when I started this that it would also serve as a timeline for the various stages and treatments in M’s Journey. There have been a few times when I have had to go back and check to see when something happened because one day has become blurred with the day before, the week before, even the second before.

After Saturday when M became angrier than usual with me and told me to leave, I have become more and more reserved around him and the nurses. No more chatting with them, or being overly friendly, joking with them, mainly because M thinks we are laughing and talking about him. I make myself scarce when he requests something, or turns his light on because he expects me to do it for him and not the nurse or aide. They know the proper way to get him up without a fall or injuring their back, I don’t.

It was extremely depressing to have him still angry with me yesterday. He didn’t know why he was mad, but he was mad at me. He thinks that I ran out on him when he needed me, rather than him telling me to leave. He thinks I haven’t spent enough time by his bedside, that I am out living it up, or as he said “You have it all now”.
That is when I must try to remain reserved, quiet, aloof, detached. And, it isn’t easy! I leave in tears each time I go home. That’s when I hug the dog and sob. I have felt hurt before, and I’ve lost loved ones before, but never ever have felt this complete feeling of total defeat, helplessness and utter loss. And I know those feelings are going to intensify as he continues to decline.
But I am still praying for a miracle!

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Posted in A to Z April Challenge, Anxiety, Blogging, Caregiver, Life

EMOTIONS–”Q”–QUIVERY

QI don’t know if quivery is even a word, and I’m not in the mood to look it up to see.  I don’t care if it is a word or not.  It is my emotion for the day and it has been with me all freakin’ day!  I want it to stop!  Perhaps the two LARGE glasses of moscotto didn’t help any either, so if this sound like it is being written by someone who has been drinking….it has.  And, I usually don’t drink!

It has been a HELL OF A DAY!  M is not doing well at all.  He is talking out of his head most of the time, confused about what is happening to him, combative, argumentative and then goes into the pussycat mode where he is all loving and sweet, but in a blink of an eye, lashes out at me again.  I know it is the fact that he is sick. I get it.  But, that doesn’t stop the pain that his hateful words cause.  I’m talking hateful, mean, cruel, just horrible.

After 9 hours of hearing if, I finally just left.  He had to have the last word as I left though, and more hate words spewed out of his mouth.  I was crying hysterically when I left.  The nurses were comforting and trying to calm me down before I left, but it was little help.  I came home and sat outside in the sun for a while, and still not able to calm myself down, I got myself a glass of wine.  Drank it and it tasted so good, I had another, which finished the bottle and that was probably a good thing because I knew that I would have had another one if there had been more.  (Note to self:  buy more wine!)

The turmoil and the wine have left me quivery inside…jittery, feeling like I am losing control of my own emotions and not sure what to do!  Tomorrow, I will go back to the hospital to talk to the doctor, hopefully, and probably get yelled at some more and get all quivery inside again!

 

Posted in Uncategorized

EMOTIONS — “P” — PEACHY

P

Peachy?  As an emotion?  Oh, yeah…as sarcastically at least.  The majority of people will think that peachy refers to the peach.  A fine fruit.  A sweet fruit.  Juicy.  But have you ever used it sarcastically?  For example, you are having a really crappy day and Susie Sunshine comes in and says “Hi!  Howa ya doing?”  My immediate response is “peachy…just peachy”.

Now, I’m not usually so bitter and sarcastic (at least I think I’m not), but with everything that is going on in my life right now, my emotions and nerves are raw.  I’m easily startled, very cautious and quiet and easily break into tears.  So, I’m using the term “peachy” to describe to others how I feel.  It shuts them up for a second.

M has made no improvement since being readmitted to the hospital on the 16  th,  He received additional blood on Wednesday and fluids by IV which has made his kidneys start to fail again.  The doctors and nurses have to be feeling like as soon as they get one thing patched up then another takes a dump on them.  He is refusing to eat now.  He says that the food hurts his mouth and stomach.  He isn’t drinking water, so the diuretic they give him isn’t working so well, except to dehydrate him more.  I spent the afternoon with him today and he slept the entire time I was there, then complained that the hospital keeps giving him pills to make him sleepy.  I didn’t see one nurse give him a pill she did not identify.

I’ve tried to give him a pep talk tonight and remind him of all the things he has to live for, but he didn’t want to hear it right yet.

Sorry I’m not giving much detail.  I am falling asleep just doing this much!

Posted in A to Z April Challenge, Anxiety, Uncategorized

EMOTIONS — “O” — OUTRAGED

O

Today’s letter in the A to Z April Challenge is “O”.  I can think of several emotions that begin with “O”, but my choice for today is OUTRAGED.  Seems to be a theme of its own with me, doesn’t it?  And, really, I’m NOT an angry person.  I don’t usually make a fuss or a scene in private, let alone in public, but a person can only take so much before they just can’t take any more.  I reached that point again today.  How much more can one person endure?  If God brings you to it, he will get you through it.  When Satan attacks you strongly, be prepared because God is doing good work in you.  I just keep repeating those little phrases from Sunday school over and over because that is all I have to hang on to right now.

M’s condition has taken another backward slide just since being admitted to the hospital again.  He had to receive another pint of blood today.  He is in pain from his mouth to his feet.  He has little movement in his legs because they are so weak, but he thinks that he is becoming paralyzed from the waist down.  The mouth issue is thrush.  When he was in the other hospital, I told the Dr. that it looked like he had contracted thrush.  He looked in his mouth and said that it was not thrush.  It is thrush.  For the love of Pete, don’t doctors even know what thrush looks like?  Once you’ve seen it, you always know what it looks like.  So now the thrush has traveled through his mouth and down his throat into his stomach and will eventually reach his intestines.  They are giving him medication to combat the infection now, but how much damage was done before it was being treated?

I am second guessing myself and decisions I made to confront the doctors and be my husband’s advocate.  Perhaps I should not have gone face to face with the drs and demanded to know what their plans were for him.  Perhaps I should have sat meekly by and just waited on them to come to us with their plans.  Perhaps I should not have told the two doctors in charge, but yet refusing to work together on issues, that I was tired of my husband being in the midst of a pissing match between them.  Or maybe it was when they learned that my career is that of a legal secretary.  Seemed like once that was out, they were anxious to get rid of us.

Anyway, the latest source of my outrage is this morning when I arrived at the hospital to wait on the Dr., I was called aside by my sister who works there as a CNA.  She asked me to please make sure that the “joking” between my son-in-law or brother-in-law was kept to a minimum because while it may be a joke to them, the staff at the hospital tend to take things seriously and that in morning shift change meeting, it was stated that the nurse and aide for M should use caution because it had been brought to their attention that he is a convicted pedophile recently released from prison.  My sister quickly made sure that the note on his records was removed and that the “rumor” was NOT true in any shape or form.  However, that does not resolve the issue in my eyes.  I want to know who and why this was done and I don’t want it to happen to any other person.  Accusations such as that can and do damage and destroy a person’s life and that of his family.

This upset has set my blood pressure soaring, my nerves are shot, and I have hives over 95% of my body.  I’m driving myself nuts just trying NOT to scratch them, but OMG they itch.

As far as being outraged goes, I do believe I have earned the right, don’t you?

 

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Posted in A to Z April Challenge, Anxiety, Blogging, Caregiver, family, Uncategorized

EMOTIONS — “N” — NERVOUS & NEEDY

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Nervous and needy. Today I am both. Very nervous because I was awakened extremely early by cries of help from M. One look at him and I could tell that he was having a severe sugar low! He was basically unresponsive and his eyes were rolling around in his head, when they were open. He was slumped back in his recliner and all he could say was a very weak “help me”. I immediately checked his glucose level and it was 37. I gave him orange juice and some Nutella peanut butter. That is softer than regular peanut butter, has a chocolate flavor, high in sugar and carbs, and with his mouth being so sore he can barely swallow, I thought that perhaps that would be best. I waited the normal time and checked him again to find that it had raised to 47. Moving in the right direction…then he wasn’t acting right again and I checked him again, glucose had dropped to 40. I was so nervous that I was beginning to hyperventilate! More juice. He didn’t want to drink it because of the sores in his mouth, but he did get some down. So, I decided to take a teaspoon of sugar, make a paste out of it with water and place the paste under his tongue. He started coming around about 15 minutes later and another check revealed it had risen considerably. He had no strength with which to move his body in his recliner, no strength to sit up straighter in the recliner rather than being slumped over, and was so lethargic he was scaring me.
I called the insurance case manager and told her the situation and begged her for help! I didn’t know where to turn. I became very needy. I needed help and I needed it yesterday! I feel as though nobody in the medical field was paying a darn bit of attention to me! I’m fighting for my husband and they are treating me like I’m the enemy…like munchausen’s syndrome.
Our regular family doctor is FINALLY back to work and is taking back M’s case and told me to call the ambulance and get him transported to the hospital (our local, home hospital), which I did. We have been in the ER now for 5 & 1/2 hours and I just learned that they are sending him to a room shortly.
I am about ready to lose my sanity, making me even more needy and very nervous.
It seems the highlight of my day was when the elastic broke on my knee hi stocking and I had to stay up! Oh, but for the more simple things of life…

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Posted in A to Z April Challenge, Anxiety, Blogging, Caregiver, Life, Uncategorized

EMOTIONS – “M” – MEEK

M

Meek – quiet, gentle, easily imposed on, submissive.

Oh, wow!  When the word ‘meek’ came to mind as my M emotion, I did not realize how right on the money it was as far as describing myself!  It rather shocked me.  I never really thought of myself as meek.  I know I am shy.  But Meek?!  According to the dictionary…yup!  I’m meek,

When I think of a meek female I see a really backward person, standing pigeon towed, fingers in mouth, cowering from everything.  And, as I write this, I see how that person was me many years ago before I learned how to put on the brave attitude and strong facade that people see now.  I had to.  I could not have survived had I not replaced the meek person with the brave one most people see when they first meet me.  After you get to know me, you will see that I have every single characteristic of the meek person.

I AM extremely quiet.  I am gentle, easily imposed on and VERY submissive, especially if I feel that there will be a conflict.  Well, until I get tired of being walked all over and then I blow my top, feel guilty, apologize and return to being submissive.  I allow others to take advantage of me all the time simply because I don’t want to upset them.

Meek

 

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Posted in A to Z April Challenge

Quickie Update

This is just going to be a quickie update for those of you who have been following the insane health issues, etc. of my husband, M.

Much to my total shock and surprise, and after hours of nothing happening, no word of any changes, etc., the doctors and consultants, physical therapy and respiratory therapy departments all decided that it would benefit M most if they allowed him to be discharged to come home.  We had fully expected to be discharged to a rehab facility until he could regain some strength after being in a hospital bed for roughly four weeks with little to no movement.

So, now we are at home.  He is tucked in and sleeping soundly and I believe that things are under control for now.  Please keep us both in your prayers as the next few days will be very busy and probably very overwhelming.  I don’t believe he is out of the woods, but he is getting closer.

Thanks to all!!  God Bless You!!

 

Posted in Caregiver, Life, Uncategorized

EMOTIONS–”L” — LONELY

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While searching and thinking about an emotion that begins with “L”, I ran across several that I considered to be worthy of a thought or two…
Loving, lackluster, lucky, loopy, leery, lazy. All very good topics, but My Weary Mind kept returning to lonely.
I think most people think of being lonely when there is no other people in their immediate vicinity, or if they have not had contact with another human being for several days, they become lonely, I know several people who become frantic when they are left alone for even a few minutes. They just want you to be in the same room as they are, not necessarily to talk to, just to be there. While I do not understand completely why they fear being left alone, I try to empathize with them and be as supportive as I can.
I am so thankful that, at least at this stage of my life, I am quite content with my own company. I can and do amuse myself. I enjoy reading, playing computer games, blogging, etc. and I can usually always find some way to entertain myself, even if it is daydreaming.
However, I do find myself lonely in a different sort of way. It feels almost as I am loneliest when I am around other people or in a large crowd. THAT is my loneliness. Perhaps it is not loneliness I am feeling, but another emotion that I have yet to be able to name.

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Posted in A to Z April Challenge, Blogging, Life
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